"Now, about that new hat you said I couldn't have. . . "
"Just a room, buddy - I've brought my own view."
"Don't be silly, Daddy, it's only the laundry."
"There's nothing wrong with your hearing - you need a haircut."
So You Want a Pub?
By "Outside Manager"
Today I had quite a day. I called at fifteen pubs and came home sober. In fact I didn't have a single drink. I was offered two gin and tonics, three pints of beer, two whiskies, and a glass of sherry. They were offered to me free, but I could not afford to take them. For I am a brewer's area manager, and drink is my life, but it can also be my death.
Some wag once said that the only thing he could not resist was temptation. In my job you have to - if you want to last. Drink, however, is only part of my job. I spend quite a lot of time interviewing people who want a pub.
Surprising numbers of people have a secret desire to pack up their present humdrum existence and take a pub in the country. It is a dream that was dreamed in the dust of the Western Desert, on the ice-caked ocean to Murmansk, and in the swamps of Burma. Thousands still think of retiring and taking a pub. How exactly does one set about it?
There are three types of public-house: free, tied and managed. A free house does not signify that all drinks are free. On the contrary, it is a very difficult and expensive business to obtain it it is in a good position. Being free means that it is not tied to any particular brewer and the owner can buy and sell whatever beers he prefers. Nowadays the number of free houses is rapidly dwindling as more and more are being bought up by large brewery concerns.
Tied and managed houses are owned by brewers. In the case of a tied house, a tenant is appointed by the brewers; in the case of a managed house, a manager is appointed who receives a weekly wage. The latter type of house is usually in a busy industrial area, so if you want a pub in the country your best bet is a tied house. As a tenant you will pay an annual rent and a deposit, and you will sign an agreement to get all you ales, wines, and spirits from the owning brewery. The brewers on their part agree to carry out all major repairs, alterations, and decorations to the pub. All you have to do as tenant is to pay the brewer, pay your overheads, and all that is left is your - and the Inland Revenue's. How, you may ask, are the tenants selected?
All brewery firms receive a steady flow of applications from prospective tenants. These are acknowledged and filed away (not thrown away as some people believe!). When a vacancy occurs, through death, financial trouble, or misbehaviour, then out comes the file and a short list is made of likely applicants. The essential things looked for in a potential tenant are cleanliness, a pleasant personality, the necessary capital - and a wife who really does want to live in a pub. A publican with a wife who hates the business goes through a sublime form of Hell. Good health is also essential, for you will be on your feet about seven hours a day and there is quite a lot of hard work to do. Many people have an idea that there is nothing hard about running a pub; one simply stands behind the bar, a genial host, dispensing cheer to all and sundry. Like many other things in life, there is rather more to it than this. Beer crates to be carried from the store, toilets to clean daily, beer pumps to clean, glasses to polish, and - the hardest job of all - being polite to all types.
In my area the tenants are from all walks of life. There is an ex-Regular Army officer, and retired Master Mariner, and even an ex-professional dancer with a wooden leg. Some of the tenants have spent all their lives in the business, others are comparative newcomers. To me the tenants are the most interesting part of my job. Fifty completely different personalities, all with their own ideas on how to run a pub - and most of them do it very well indeed. If not, their customers soon tell them! Some ex-Service types make excellent tenants, but not all. Some ex-Regular RSM's never seem to lose their bite, and one can almost visualise their customers having to drink by numbers.
If you are successful and you obtain a pub, one of your biggest headaches will probably be the staff problem. Barmaids as we once knew them are rapidly disappearing, or, to be more accurate, are not appearing. The dispensers of cheer are going into other occupations, attracted by the five-day week and more money.
Well, if you still want that pub, go ahead, and good luck to you. You will always have someone to talk to, you can carry out all your pet theories on what a good pub should be, and you will learn to be a first-class psychologist.
In my position I am in regular and friendly contact with the police, the local authorities, H.M. Customs, fishermen, farmers, the brave, the beautiful, and the damned. To me it is a most interesting job - a job that drives me to drink every day.
- o 0 o -
WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
The pleasant habits of eating and drinking were never meant to be subject to a chemical equation.
Lord Horder.
The best drug for the relief of pain is alcohol - and I don't mean anything pharmaceutical, but whisky!
Professor Charles Rob.
0 comments:
Post a Comment