Sunday, 31 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 212

Aldwick 31/07/11:

Saturday, 30 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 211

Binstead 30/07/11:

Friday, 29 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 210

Bognor Regis 29/07/11:

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 209

Arundel 28/07/11:

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 208

Bognor Regis 27/07/11:

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 207

Felpham 26/07/11:

Monday, 25 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 206

Aldwick 25/07/11:

Hooting Yard News.

Rejoice all ye!
Rejoice you swans and pigs and cows and badgers!
The new Hooting Yard book is available NOW!

Porpoises Rescue Dick Van Dyke  will surely become this summer's mega bonkbustin' Richard and Judy airport departure lounge beach poolside sex and shopping chic-lit book club must have an' no mistake.
Just look at the cover!
How can you not have this work of genius in your life?

Stop Press:
As I typed the word 'airport' I heard our immaculately turned out Polish postman snap a twangy red rubber band and negotiate the tricky procedure that allows access to our domestic pneumatic mail chute in order to deliver not one but two Hooting Yard Lapel Accoutrements.
(Sadly, on leaving the outer portal, he fell in the moat.)

Today my world is a better place thanks to Hooting Yard!

Yesterday at Le' Tour: The Final Stage.

The stage started very slowly in bright sunshine.
Lots of big smiles and back slapping within the peloton.
Eventually everybody got down to work.
The HTC machine delivered the Manx Missile and one of Cav's career goals was finally achieved.
Mr. Evans deserved his overall win.
It surprised me to learn, at 34, he's the oldest rider ever to do this.
For many reasons this has been one, it not the, best tours I've ever watched.
Anyway, jolly well done everybody.

Same time next year?

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Manly Pursuits No. 09: Hairdressing.

Here's a tricky one.
I am sat watching Top Gear, trying to decide if I actually like the programme anymore.
Linda, having just washed her hair which is now wrapped in a towel, stands between me and the television and says "I want you to cut my hair".
"What?" is my incredulous reply.
It turns out that she expects me to trim about an inch from the length at the back:
Needs doing I suppose.
The only advantages I have are Linda's hair-dressing scissors and the fact that she's wearing a top with lateral stripes.
I go to work:
The astute among you will notice that the stripes on Linda's top aren't, exactly, level.
Say nothing, walk away.

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 205

Berstead 24/07/11:


Many years ago I screwed 6 flimsy pallets in three columns of two to the garden wall to form a trellis.
Time and weather have taken their toll and during spring one of them gave up the ghost.
I've had a pile of hazel poles stored ready for this eventuality and it's about time some of them fulfilled their purpose.

Here's the gap:
The plan is to train the fig tree into it.
I deliberately decided not to measure anything preferring to use the rack of my eye and the skew of my gob.
Up go three supports:
Then four lateral pieces:
Job done.
All this was achieved during the commercial breaks in the coverage of the last stage of the Tour de France.

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 20

Out come the backward-pointy-hats again for a relatively short test.
Cuddles does his eyeballs out trick, very nearly takes the stage, which goes to Tony Martin, and finally wins the tour.
Australia rejoices (with a public holiday apparently).
The Bunk Bed Bros will still be able to hold hands on the podium though.

So, that's it.
All that's left is the parade ride into Paris which will come down to finding out who can cover the last 100 m the fastest.
Who's your money on?

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 204

Flansham 23/07/11:

Before anyone leaps to tell me that the sign should read 'tickety boo' pls. be aware that this was my Grandma's variant of the phrase.

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 19

Mr. Voelker tries a Stiff Neck Bunk Brother type attack.
Maybe a little to early as it turns out and takes it out on a bidon.
Boo Boo attacks more out of pride than any hope of a podium.
Sanchez drags Pierre Rolland (Mr. Voelker's team mate) up to Boo Boo's back wheel, Rolland goes straight through and takes the stage win.
What a cheeky monkey!

Andy Stiff Neck Bunk Brother pulls on the Yellow Jersey.
Sanchez claims this year's Polka Dot jersey.

Cav looks as if he'll take the Green Jersey to Paris.

Now then, there's no more that a fag paper between the main contenders as we go into today's test and I wonder to myself, if the individual time-trial ends up in an inconclusive result, will the traditional parade ride on Sunday turn into a race?

Friday, 22 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 203

Middleton-on-Sea 22/07/11:

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 18

Today's stage was the best I can ever remember watching.
It even beat the nail-biting Lemond/Fignon time-trial.

60.3k to go and Andy Stiff-Neck makes, what must have seemed to the other contenders, an ill-judged attack.
Nobody responds.
He flew away and kept on flying.
It wasn't until the last 20k that any attempt to reel him in was made.
Cuddles turned himself inside-out to close the gap.
Mr. Voelker hung on to his shirt tail.
Andy Stiff Neck took the stage and brother Frank, stepping out of the passenger seat, took second.
Mr. Voelker managed to hang on to the yellow jersey but it cost him dear.
Boo Boo ended up looking like a busted flush.
Cav, along with a good proportion of the peloton, didn't make the cut off and had 20 points deducted.

Today's stage was one of the reasons I watch this great adventure.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 202

Aldwick 21/07/11:

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 17

Quick visit to Italy.
The pace is high again.
14 go off the front.
Oh, look a really big fort!
Nothing of any note happens on the climbs.
On the last (dangerous) decent Boo Boo and Sanchez launch a surprise attack but are reeled in just before they hit the line.
Mr. Voeckler over-cooks a bend and ends up in someone's front yard.
(Fortunately they'd left the gate open.)
The real hero of the day is Eddie the Boss who makes up for yesterday's disappointment with a masterful piece of riding to a well deserved stage win.
Norway rejoices.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 201

Bognor Regis 20/07/11:

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 16

Charging into the Alps at a furious pace in the rain.
Nothing much doing till the 2nd Cat climb.
Boo Boo takes a surprise flyer off the front.
His third attempt attracts Cuddles and Sanchez's attention, leaves the bunk-bed brothers wanting and seems to crack Mr. Voeckler.
Over the top and onto the ferocious 11.5k decent.
Only one rider comes a-cropper at that notorious corner.
Cuddles rides his eyeballs out leaving Boo Boo and Sanchez trailing in his wake and putting him 2nd in the GC.
Meanwhile, up at the front...
A Norwegian ding-dong takes place resulting in The God of Thunder taking his second stage win this tour from Boasson Hagen Das.
Must say The God of Thunder's winning smile makes it look like he's riding nothing more than a Sunday club run.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Yesterday at Le' Tour: Second Rest Day.


Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 200

Felpham 19/07/11:

Monday, 18 July 2011

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 15

The truce comes down again as the sprinters come from the back of the pack to do one last battle before the Alps.
This results in Cav tightening his grip on the green jersey with his 19th stage win.
During an interview Cav gives an insight into the motivation that puts him over the line first, FEAR.
It is to be remembered that Cav is the sharp end of an amazing delivery system. Cav never forgets that.

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 199

Bognor Regis 18/07/11:

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 14

Last day in the Pair o'Knees.
6 major climbs but very little 'action' till the last 10k of the final one.

Whittled down to a group of 12 contenders eyeballing each other intensely.
Andy Bunk Bed took a few flyers off the front which were closed down almost immediately.
Boo Boo is reported as have a 'fundamental' problem which is cited as a possible cause of his apparent lack of form.
Cuddles is being cautious as well.
The tension escalated with every pedal turn.
Nothing got resolved and the stage ended with the GC looking very much the same as it was at the start of the day.

The surprise of the day, even to himself probably, was the man whom I will stop calling Monkey on a Stick as of now.
Mr. Voeckler defended his yellow jersey against all comers and looked like the only man who deserved to wear it.
Roll on the alps.

Wukulele Flash (flood) Mob.

The weather put paid to this weekend's Bognor Bird-person and our local Parish Council's 'Fun on the Prom' event but it couldn't deter a dedicated group of Wukulele Jam members from hammering out a tune in the centre of Worthing.
Nor could it stop experimental film maker Ned Ouwell filming it:
The film bears all of Ned's trademark flourishes e.g.
Sudden intense focus on shoes and thumb cameo.

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 198

Middleton-on-Sea 17/07/11:

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 197

Felpham 16/07/11:

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 13

After some odd goings-on at the intermediate sprint, all today's excitement was focused on Roy's break-away.
He looked to have the stage win in the bag.
Then came a rumble of thunder.
Roy was relentlessly pursued by the god who went on to take the stage win of his life.
Roy did pull on the King of the Mountains jersey but said he would have swapped it for the stage win.
Monkey on a Stick is still in yellow.

Friday, 15 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 196

Felpham 15/07/11:

Over at Hooting Yard.

CRI 187 has caused a bit of consternation in the world of out-of-print pamphleteering.
"Depressed Horse Never Knew Saucepans" it turns out, is the title of an unwritten poem by weedy poet Dennis Beerpint.

I have yet to run into Mr. Beerpint during my nocturnal strolls through the 'other -side" but that's probably down to my spirit guide, a shambling, myopic out-of-print pamphleteer, not holding the map the right way up.

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 12

Bastille Day is usually the day all the French riders dig down to find something within themselves that will help them win the stage.
I can tell the tour has arrived in the Pyrenees by the amount of Basque flags in the crowd.

Cuddles watched the Shreks and Boo Boo, the Shreks watched each other and Cuddles and Boo Boo, who watched Cuddles and the Shreks then they all watched Basso who...
You get the picture.

'G' took a tumble and nearly lost it on another bend prompting Mr. Liggett to wonder 'G' had been distracted by the Welsh flag that was fluttering nearby.
When the peloton hit the same bend there was another tumble involving several riders including the Monkey on a Stick in his yellow jersey.
So, I expect the Welsh flag could now be subject to a risk assessment.

After much pain and suffering Samuel Sanchez (a Spaniard) took the stage.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

From Our Radio Correspondent.

In response to my dedicating CRI 195 to him, Berry made the following comment which I felt was just to good to hide in the comments section:

Well now strange as it might sound my very first wireless was made not from card but from a block of wood! I received it from my father in about 1946 because toys were in such short supply after the war. I used to call it my "Wingle Wangle Wireless" although I have no idea why! Everyone remembered this and didn't spare my blushes as they reported it. I was 25 at the time! Now I'm grateful that it sparked my imagination. I could invent my own wireless programmes and even be in them. Sometimes I would present record selections using old 78's on a wind-up gramophone. At other times I was my own Dick Barton Special Agent climbing all over things to get my quarry. I wrote all the scripts and did all my own sound effects. Since the radio needed no power it may still be working somewhere. Let's see if we can hear it.

Yes, let's.

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 11

Another phoney war day this time in the rain.
The upside being Cav taking the stage, pulling on that green jersey then asking Ned Boulting "I think think this colour suits me don't you Ned?"
Tomorrow will be different.
Anyone wanting to win this race will have to show their hand.

N.B. I've adjusted the numbering of these posts to tie in with the actual stage numbers.

The Bognor Birdman Cometh.

We are approaching one of the cultural high-spots in the Bognor Regis season.
The Bognor Birdman
(Oh, I should qualify the event's title by adding the word 'International'.)
The scaffold construction, at the end of what's left of the pier, is the launch pad for anyone wanting to demonstrate their inability to soar like an eagle.
There's usually some form of philanthropic justification incentivising those about to plummet.
It does strike me a curious that, at any other time of year, jumping from the pier is discouraged by threats of prosecution:
Should I ever decide to take an active part in this event, it would be because I want to dress up as a giant chicken and still be able to wander about in public without the usual taunting and gratuitously savage beatings.

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 195

Bognor Regis 14/07/11:

This intervention is dedicated to Berry because he knows a great deal about valve radios.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Yesterday at Le' Tour: 10

How many more times will I have to watch Johnny Hoogerland's sickening somersault on to that barbed-fence during this year's TDF television coverage?
I still wince.
BTW ITV 4, I personally didn't need to see that still of JH, shorts ripped off and buttocks ripped up, tangled up in the fence.

For me the more interesting clip is Mr. Hoogerland's post stage/accident interview when he displays a level of chivalry that's rare, if not non-existant, in today's "my misfortune is all someone else's fault" world.

The stage?
Bit non-event really, all the riders prep-ing themselves for Thursday's arrival in the mountains.
"Oh, look! The God of Thunder's shoe needs adjusting".
Messers Liggett and Sherwen were even wheeled out in front of the cameras to answer viewers questions.

The only surprise was The Gorilla pipping The Missile to the line.
Just wait for all the "is Cav over?" type questions tomorrow.

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 194

Bognor Regis/Chichester Borders 13/07/11:

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Cardboard Reality Interventions 2011: 193

Chichester 12/07/11: