Sundry Mortifications No. 1

Every now and then I am obliged, usually at Linda's insistence, to apply personal grooming/hygiene products and attend social functions...
I find these situations... errrr..?
Difficult.
I'm not, by nature, a gregarious person preferring my own company and though my parents made sure I had a comprehensive understanding of when the words 'please' and 'thank-you' were appropriate, was familiar and competent with any eating utensil I could conceivably encounter at the dinner table they failed to prepare me for the making of 'small talk'...
In the past my solution to these trying circumstances was to drink heavily which led to many (in retrospect) hilarious misunderstandings...
So...
I have been invited to a garden party and have devised a plan to make sure that I behave myself...
I have bought a selection of 'Real Ales' to review throughout the afternoon...

01) Theakstons Old Peculier.I notice that the label indicates that Old Peculier is now a 'legend'...
This beer takes me on a trip down memory lane (a cul-de-sac)...
I remember when the only place I could get a pint of Old Pec was in the (men only) back bar of the Prospect Hotel in Harrogate, where it was sold from a small barrel on the rear counter, unless I was able to get to either the White Bear or the King's something-or-other in Masham...
It tastes as heavy as I remember and the idea of drinking it is better than reality. I still prefer Theakston's XB over Old Pec...

02) Welton's Old Harry.
First time I've tried this beer. Non descript really, bland even...I notice from the label that if it's poured correctly the yeast stays in the bottle...
Suffice to say that I ended up with a cloudy pint and a clean bottle...

03) Whitstable Bay Organic AleI like this...
Light, almost fruity...
I'm a little perplexed about the 'organic' tag but suspect a marketing ploy...
Yes I'd drink it again...

04) Black Sheep AleBland...
If I'm honest my favourite beer is Betty Stoggs Bitter from Cornwall and everything else just pales alongside it...
The garden party was very pleasant and I talked at excessive length about my new bicycle (propped up in the garden) to a bloke called Freddy...
All's well that ends well and nobody had to die...

Adventures In Modern Cycling No 1: Pagham Spit...

What better way to spend a sunny early Sunday morning than a quick spin out on the bicycle..?
Rather that than pounding along the prom, immodestly dressed, drenched in sweat and wearing ridiculous sunglasses anyway...
Into a light breeze at a stately pace toward Pagham Harbour where, conveniently, access 'runways' have been placed to allow the less able to enjoy the shore line...
The air is gently filled with the sound of church bells, wheeling birds and lapping water...I rest for a brew, a tab and to empty my mind...
From behind me I hear the slap of flip-flops...
A 'large' couple appear along side me...
'duh's nuffin 'ere..!' Explodes Mr. Bullethead...
'Nah..' Says Mrs. Bullethead...
Exit Bulletheads...
After much tinkering the bicycle is behaving well and I'm beginning to feel I may have judged it to harshly...I doubt if it will ever be my favourite bike but I'll probably have it for the rest of my life (because no one will want to steal it...)My phone brings reality back and for once I'm glad I didn't leave it a home as Linda tells me that she is preparing sausage sandwiches that should be ready in about 20 minutes...
With the wind on my back I'm home in 18 minutes...

Sea Area Tea Towel...

This recent purchase combines two of my enduring pleasures, the Shipping Forecast and washing up...
I love the Shipping Forecast, the comforting strains of Ronald Binge's (fantastic name!) 'Sailing By' followed by the mantra-like intoning of the forecast it's self (non of which I understand)...
It's sort of like 'putting the country to bed'...
I then rest easy in the dark night...

'You don't have a dish washer..?' Is a comment I often hear at the fashionable cocktail parties I'm always getting invited to...
'No I bloody don't' is my happy, an somewhat smug, reply...
Washing up is the one opportunity I have to impose my innate control freakery on inanimate objects...
I'm invariably left alone to get on with it...

I notice my tea towel is out of date as Finisterre (not shown in picture) is now named FitzRoy...
All things must pass I suppose...

You can buy your own Sea Area Tea Towel here:
Buy the Sea

The New Bicycle...

George Bernard Shaw said:
"Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart's desire; the other is to get it. "The saga of how I obtained this bicycle is long, tedious and a cause of great personal anguish...
The original spec was for a 24 inch frame. I ended up with a 22 inch frame but I haven't the energy to complain about it...
When I took delivery it had 28 inch wheels with Strumey Archer 3 speed but it didn't 'feel' right for some reason so I fitted the (ludicrously expensive) wheels that were intended for the cycle-motor project...
It's now single speed (22 tooth rear cog), has a rear coaster brake and front hub brake...
I'm involved in a process of eliminating all the clanks, clicks, knockings and creakings that, I suspect, would all disappear if I removed the fully enclosed chain case...
It's eating cotter pins at a rate of one a day which says a lot about the quality of the pins I can get hold of and it still refuses to be ridden 'look, no hands' which I believe to be the test of a good bicycle...

George Bernard Shaw also remarked:
'A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. '

Errr...?
Anybody want to buy a bicycle...?

Things Are Looking Up...

The last couple of months have been a bit dour for one reason or another...
Things seem to be on the mend now though...
I was persuaded to visit Fontwell Race Course Car-Boot Sale today and found some real treasures...
A 'proper' bucket (galvanised)...As I walked back toward the car, I stopped at a table and saw this big black metal box...
"Everything 50p" said the man behind the table...
So, for 50p I got a large metal box, lots of copper/brass plumbing bits and bobs, a much needed metal funnel, a Wilkin's Red Boy toffee tin and a whole heap of nuts, bolts and screws...When I got back to the car I noticed my arms were at least two inches longer...
Bonus..!

Liquid Storage Solutions...

I don't like plastic bottles...
I have great difficulty getting the child-proof caps off which is very frustrating when I'm in the middle of a project and need a particular liquid NOW!
My solution..?
Bottles with corks or easy to remove stoppers...So, from left to right, I have methylated spirits, turpentine substitute, white spirit, paraffin and white vinegar...
The local bottle bank is a good place to find suitable bottles, the paraffin flask came from a charity shop bin, and the homebrew shop at the end of our road will supply any size of stopper, cork or bung I need...
The bottles look very attractive on my windowsill with the sun shining through them and yes, I aware that my lab could be engulfed in a huge fireball but I don't care...

Enamelware Collection...

I've never been much of a collector so, imagine my surprise to find that I had amassed, what seems to be, a collection of enamelware...
I love this stuff...Practical, utilitarian, unbreakable and cheap...
I still need a good sized dinner plate though...
I'm also a fan of gavanised products and am on the hunt for a 2 gallon bucket, a water tank and a pig feeding trough...
The shops where these sort of items can be found are getting rare...
I could hit eBay but prefer to scour the area for decent hardware shops and doing my bit to keep them alive...

Weird Fungus, sorry, Lichen...

Found under a rock, the strangest fungus I've ever seen...Like small green dusty trumpets...
I really must get out an socialise more often...

Blue Plaque Spotting No 1: H.G. Wells

Whilst doing a 'bit of gardening' in Midhurst, I took the opportunity to visit the building (now a tea and nic-nac shop) where that lovable old eugenicist and tip top writer H.G. Wells lodged...I also wandered over to nearby Iping where The Invisible Man has it's beginning. Sadly it bears little resemblance to the Iping described in the book, probably never did...
For some reason, misunderstanding no doubt, I also associate Midhurst with John Wyndam's Midwich Cuckoos though Wyndam lived closer to Petersfield than Midhurst (I think..)

Cleaning Copper Using Brown Sauce...

I'm an always on the look out for interesting experiments to perform...
I read that brown sauce can be used to clean copper...
I decided to put it to the test...
The equipment:Lid from a copper kettle, brush and bottle of brown sauce (I would have liked to use H.P. sauce but we don't have any...)
The process:Brown sauce applied to copper lid with the brush...
Wait for 8 hours and...
The result:Conclusion:Well, yes it cleaned the tarnish off but it took a lot of buffing to bring up the shine...
I'd do the rest of the kettle in the same way but I'm preparing a sausage sandwich and I have a much more important use for the brown sauce...
(Small sachets of brown sauce can be found in various cafe's and restaurants thoughout the U.K. and is usually free...)

Interesting Shops No 1: Period Features

Period Features is a small company based in Leek, on the edge of the Peak District. They are a useful source of products for period homes.
I ordered some bits and bobs from them and received this:Brown paper and string..!
I was deeply impressed...
It contained these essential items:My world is now a happier place...

Amberley Mid-Summer Steam Fair 2009...

It's very rarely that I can be persuaded to leave my workbench but, due to an increasingly alarming creative blockage, I set out to visit the Amberley Working Museum's Mid-Summer Steam Fair...

There are far to many exciting things to look at within the museum and a visit is highly recommended...
Highlight for me, after asking the man politely, was having the Tesla Coil sparked up...Wow! That's loud...

Collaborations...

Having lived together for nearly 11 years now it's rare that Linda and myself ever agree on anything but...
We both like these pieces...


Which just happen to be collaborations between the two of us...
Linda made the bowl and the head and I applied the paint finishes...

Shabby Chic Noddy Box Experiment...

Basically a distressed paint effect...Not my sort of thing really but I thought I might give it a go, it'll match the clock re-mount..
I still have to seal it, add a base and, maybe, a lid..
I think I'll keep my pens and pencils in it...

Rusty Cast Iron Picture Frame...

I'm still fascinated by the 'cast iron' paint effect...

Using it to decorate some boring Ikea picture frames for my collection of postcards featuring BIG steam engines that can be seen at Kew Bridge Steam Museum...
The 'rivets' are drawing pins which, on close inspection, I failed to measure out properly...
I've added a coat of lacquer this time...
Works well...

Illuminated Pink Octopus In a Clam Shell...

Every now and then it is 'politick' for me to build something for my companion..
I decided to make something that she could add to her treasured collection of 'tacky' mermaids...
All right, it's not a mermaid, but fits in with the general theme in her mermaid collection cabinet...
Apart from the shell, batteries, L.E.D. and baize, everything on this build was manufactured by me...
The octopus was made with a mould I struck from a piece of Nook Art jewelry...
This is 'Crap-Tech' in ornamental form..
Un-lit...Rear view...

Barometer Re-Mount...

I've re-mounted my barometer as I intend using it's original mounting for the Televisual Simulacrumating Device as a speaker mount...

I'm very fond of my barometer...
It tells me all I really need to know about the world outside...

Tick Tock Chicken Clock...

At the risk of seeming completely obsessed by time pieces, here's my current favourite clock...
It has a pleasingly loud 'tick, tock' which makes a nice change to the smooth silence of battery powered quartz movements...
It's a product of the People's Republic of China...
The mother hen's head nods with the tick...
It adds a comforting ambience to the room especially in the early hours of the morning when, I'm reminded by a stern voice, I should be in bed...

The Old Clock Face Revived...

I've wanted to revive this clock face for sometime now...

It did have it's original clock mechanism attached to the back but sadly it was way beyond repair (although I still have it stored in a box under the bench for future restoration/repair)...
I butchered the clock that I'd hung on the back wall of my shed and ended up with this 'shabby-chic' time-piece...
I even know what time I took this picture...

Beachwood Collection Cart (Luxury Model) 01

I had the cart all ready to attend a picnic...

Comfort and splendor guaranteed...

Sadly the venue was changed to a hall in in a nearby town and I balked at dragging it 7 miles there and (possibly inebriated) back home...

Smiths Selectric Mantle Clock Resto...

If there's one thing I truly dislike having to do it's removing paint...
The previous owners of this Smiths Selectric Bakelite Mantle Clock had given it at least two hefty coats of gloss white paint...
I daren't use any kind of paint stripper on it for fear I might damage the finish...

I'd love to say all this effort was worth it but...
The clock don't work...
I'll have to take it to see my man Beresford Greene (genius)
(Turns out I'm pretty crap with photo shop as well..)

Sensible Warning Sign...

It has been pointed out to me that perhaps, given the somewhat dangerous nature of of my creations, I should put up some kind of warning sign...
So I did...Though I must say that I dispute the word 'dangerous'...

Skeletal Hand...

In an idle moment between struggles I was measuring my hand...
I then made up the individual bones from canes I 'borrowed' from the garden...
And, hey-presto! Another reason for people to avoid my company...

What do you mean 'weird'..?

Every now and again I catch a glimpse of why people think I'm 'odd', won't visit and seem somewhat uneasy around me...
In my defense I'd like say that I never 'plan' items such as this. I just follow a path until I reach what I consider to be the end...
Another assumption is that I'm "on drugs"...
Well, outside of nicotine and caffeine, I've never found alcohol, narcotics, psychedelics or stimulants to be of any utility at all when it comes to 'being creative...'
This particular piece incorporates several experiments...

1. Taking a latex mold from a doll's face.
2. Casting a Sculpty replication of the doll's face.
3. Linking two 3v bulbs in parallel (or was it series..?)
4. Making a wooden support with old firework sticks.
5. Gluing bone to wood.

All completely normal behaviour (for a weirdo...)

M10 x 1 Tap and Die (sigh..)

It's probably indicative of the stage of life I've arrived at when I choose to display my unreasonable excitement about tools I've just purchased...
(I'm a laugh riot at fashionable cocktail parties..!)

Many of my project builds include bits from old light fittings...
All of them are connected by an M10 x 1 thread..
Trouble is I can't remember what things I intended building once these tools turned up...

Ho-hum..

O.S.M. Runic Print

Since I can no longer afford the ink cartridges for my printer (it would be cheaper to buy a new printer) I thought I re-visit potato printing...
Which failed due to the inferior quality of today's rubbish spud..
So...
A bit of hard-board and a few matches and about an hour of getting covered in black paint later I have a stack of sheets of paper printed with O.S.M. in runic form..
(I hope that's what is represents, probably means 'arse' or something similar...)
Now what am I to do with all these sheets of runic printing and how will I get the paint off my keyboard...?

Building A Raised Bed Planter...

I've been staring from my shed window at these two large shrubs in plastic pots for a while now...
I have been given some old floorboards...
Hmmmm...
Where's my Work-mate, saw, hammer and nails...?

Linda tells me (coz she 'as the Latin) that the plants are Fuchsia and Podocarpus...

A Sensible Purchase...

This is, probably, the most sensible purchase I've ever made...
BSCy dies...
5/16ths & 3/8ths....
Excuse me while I change the world with bicycle wheels...

The Pavillion of Innocent Pastimes...

I draw your attention to Mr. Webster's new blog...!
In this knowing, cynical world it's refreshing to have somewhere to visit that promotes the simple pleasures of being alive on a rock spinning in the void...
Visit the pavilion now...
The Pavilion of Innocent Pastimes

Beach Wood Collection Cart...

Whilst out on a countryside ramble I found some old pram wheels in a ditch ...
Using bits of wood washed up on the beach I spent Palm Sunday re-living my childhood by building a cart...

Of course now spring has arrived and the weather has become (slightly) warmer I won't need it until next October...

Build a Better Egg Cup...

I set out to build a candle-holder...
And succeeded...
Then...
Unable to find the other egg-cup this morning, I discovered I'd built an emergency egg-cup..

Awww... Dangerous Little Cherub...

Inspired, once again, by a post on Hooting Yard...
I have created a malevolent putto...

I suspect the Freudian interpretation of this construction might be quite disturbing...

Another Light Fitting...

'When in doubt make an amusing light fitting..."
I've had the frame of this lamp 'weathering' on the roof of my shed for some time now...
An afternoon of threading bits of wire through boot-laces equates to some authentic looking fabric covered wiring, add some ceramic connector blocks, flicker-flame bulbs and hang it from the ceiling...

It features some amusingly exposed 'live' conductors in the ceramic connector blocks but what kind of idiot would stick their fingers in them...?

(Hang on, I'd better check all the connections are screwed up tight...)

Hiding in the lab....

The nature of my experiments means I have spent far to much time on my own in my workshop...
I have become somewhat disorientated and appear to be growing a beard...
Who knows where this will end..?

The O.S.M Ind Radiophonic Receiver...

At last I have a decent method of entertaining myself...
For a short (badly made) video watch this:

Being 51...

I have now reached the age where I really have to make a decision about what to do with my life now I've 'grown-up'...
I have decided to be an elephant...