Seaside Song & Dance Gynaecologist.

I let my childhood secret ambition out of the dusty room it's been in for about 51 years now here:

Hardcore Uker.

Well, why not?

I have the requisite musical abilities i.e. being able to sing a song and play the uke at the same time with occasional hilarious excursions into kazoo world.
The dancing's a bit of a poser and no mistake.

Like most foolishly drunken (or drugged) young men, I've bust the odd move or two out on the floor.
Used to enjoy it as well.
I think the style of dancing a song & dance man might require may be somewhat different to the extravagant 'free-style' flayling-about I used to call dancing.
Tap-dancing, now there's a worthwhile skill to attempt to acquire.
Lessons are a shocking price though.

Of no lesser concern is my wardrobe.
In the childhood vision I wore a stripy blazer and a straw boater.
These kind of items bring premium prices in retro boutiques and I'm not in that market.
I considered what item I could get that might signal my ability to provide a song & (potential) dance for the entertainment of those who are bored.

I have it!
It cost me £2:50 on eBay:

My God! I look like a gynaecologist.

Bow ties are a bit weird though, aren't they?

When I do decide what to do about the dancing aspect at least I know I've got the legs for it:

My God! I still look like a gynaecologist.

Summer Sale: 20% Off at Ivy Arch Etsy Shop.

Ivy Arch is having a pre-Summer holiday sale at her Etsy shop:

Ivy Arch Etsy Shop

You'll need the voucher code form here: Voucher Code

Read this completely genuine endorsement:

Dear Sir, or Madam,

Since taking possession of my hand-crafted Ivy Arch cushion, in vintage fabric with appliqué ukulele, my life has become one of endless happiness and great good fortune.

Shortly after sitting on the cushion for less than 7 minutes I became the inheritor of many millions of dollars from several Nigerian benefactors working on the behalf of deceased clients and as a consequence now live in a diamond palace on the moon.

O. SpaceMan - Moon.

Go there, buy stuff.

Skylark Ukulele.

I have an eBay watch out for 'vintage' ukuleles.
I'm just interested to see what gets sold and for how much in that category.

It doesn't help that there's actually a uke manufacturer called 'Vintage'.

Back in the dim dark past, probably about fifty years ago now, I had a ukulele.
I played it incessantly till, at about eight years old, I came home form school to find the neck had been snapped off it.

My eBay search alerted me to a ukulele that, in my mind's eye, looks vaguely similar to the one I'm playing in my memory.
It has a blue label in the sound hole proclaiming it's manufacture in the Peoples Republic of China and comes with its original (tatty) box.
I expected this uke to sell for somewhere in the region of £80-£90 so felt safe putting a 'flutter' bid in at
£30 via a sniper.

I forgot about it until I received the email telling me I'd won the auction:

Of course it's only now that it occurs to me to do a bit of background research into the Skylark brand.

Before I can say anything about this uke I have to fit a set of Aquila strings.

Seasonal Indicators No. 01: The Christmas Jumper.

I always make an effort to enjoy:

Yule-tide
Christmas
Xmas
Noddy Holder's Pension Day.

(take y'pick).

One way to enjoy the season to be jolly is to wear a Christmas Jumper:

It will be worn to all the local Uke Jam Xmas celebrations beginning tomorrow's Littlehampton Uke Jam held in the bar area of the Dolphin Pub (rather than the function room above the pub).

There's a special song-book:  Ukulele Christmas Song Book

(Frosty The Snowman is incomplete BTW)

This is probably more of a public information message rather than a blog post.

I'm off to put the sprouts on.

Midwinter 'Sienna' Design (I feel an obsessive collecting phase coming on).

I was in my current favourite charity shop The Cat & Rabbit Rescue:

I wonder if they'd get more customers if it was called The Kitty & Bunny Rescue?

There didn't seem to be much of interest in the store, I turned to leave and, under a shelving unit, spotted these:

Oranges may not be the only fruit, but they're the only ones available for photographic purposes today.

That's Midwinter 'Sienna' design that is.

Designed by Jessie Tait.

These tureens are minus their lids but will still make great bowls.

One of them has a small chip and so was marked at 50p rather than the £1 I paid for the unmarked one.

The first thing I did on returning home was to find out how much these bowls go for on eBay, or ebay as it now seems to be called.

The answer is a surprising amount, even more if they had the lids.

Then I caught myself thinking "I wonder how much the whole service would cost bought piece by piece over a period of time?"

This is dangerous thinking as it leads to obsessive collecting disorder and, eventually, poverty.

Of course the contemporary way of completing the set would be to mix and match all the various Midwinter designs for that eclectic shabby chic feel which in my youth was known as being to poor to afford matching crockery.

Still, at this stage in my life, I feel it would be quite nice to have a matching dinner service of some kind.

I also bought a Gaydon Melmex butter dish:

Yes, there was butter in the space-age.

The Seasonal Wish List.

Manly Pursuits No. 10: Visiting A Musical Instrument Shop.

Having just planned to take two vintage leather cases on a 4 mile walk to the nearest proper cobbler, I was slightly relived that Mystic Rog phoned and invited me to join him on a trip to Hobgoblin at Crawley.
It's quite safe for me to visit musical instrument shops nowadays as there's nothing I want or need at the moment...   well, perhaps a new kazoo might be nice because my current kazoo is rubbish, but nothing else, really.

The trip is on in Rog's luxury auto-ma-car:

Hmmm, Road Trippin'

It takes about an hour to get to Crawley which is a riot of 1960's brutalism the kind I quite like as there are very few examples of it surviving or destined to survive much longer.

Sadly I didn't have time to take pictures. 

So, Hobgoblin Acoustic and Traditional Musical Instrument Shop:

Everything from accordions to zithers.

I bought my baritone uke from this shop and the washboard I stained yesterday.

I tried out a  Hamano mahogany concert uke, a Katho Ebano Cajon, a Sansula Renaissance Thumb Piano, a Blue Moon Dulcimer Stick in D, a Banjolele, a Olympia Handmade Walkabout Dulcimer, and a Cymbala, child's small zither.

All of the above instruments were very 'nice' but no match for my new resonator uke.

Then I found the instrument I would gladly take home with me, the Atlas 21 String Guzheng.

It blew me away:

Along with most of the rest of the planet I think I maybe turning Chinese.

I would happily sit in a room and play this instrument for hours on end.

(Players of the Guzheng please note I could't bend the notes as I was filming at the same time as playing).

What was Mystic Rog up to all this time?

He was playing the more complex stringed instruments most of which seem to be based on the mandolin.

Lots of strings in tunings (violin) that confuse me no end.

Here he is being disappointed by a guitar:

Disappointment. You are doing it right!

It wasn't until he played the Blueridge BR-60 Tenor Guitar that his face lit up (then he looked at the price tag).

BTW, don't be fooled by the 'Blueridge' name, this guitar is made in China (Oh, what a surprise!)

It sounded wonderful.

I think Rog is as good as convinced he has to have one.

The only other instrument that caught Rog's imagination was the Remo Thunder Tube which makes a great noise that sounds nothing at all like thunder.

Then the shop manager noticed us and politely asked if there was anything we wanted.

Fortunately Rog wanted two sets of mandolin strings. 

I thought we were only there to faff about trying things, like the shop staff's patience.

Then I remembered I needed a new kazoo:

Metal Kazoo, Is It You?

So ladies, in case you were wondering, that's what happens when two middle-aged men visit a musical instrument shop and this is how the Guzheng should be played:

Charity Shop Score! 1960's Glass/Plastic Coffee Cups.

Every now and then I'm in the right place at the right time.
Today, 14:15, 4SIGHT Charity shop, was such a place and time today.
Direct from the space-age I found these:

I don't think they've ever been used.

So, that was a definite hit.

This shelf however may need a wide berth:

Note to those in the U.S.A. read "Under" pants.

I'm sure there's a market for them.

The Joy of Things: Bognor Regis Charity Shops.

I don't offen visit the 'national' charity shops nowadays.
Having worked for one of the larger national charities I had plenty of time to become disillusioned with the way they did business.
This shouldn't be seen in any way as cutting my nose off to spite my face or residual bitterness toward an uncaring employer.
Quite honestly since the major charities began "competing with the highstreet brands" and "profile awareness development" they've become very bland and throw out most of the interesting items that get donated to them.
That's why I spend so much time checking their bins.

The interesting charity shops are the locally based enterprises.
The sure fire test of an interesting charity is the way the shop smells.
The closer to unwashed armpit odor they get the more interesting stock they seem to have.

Here are my top four Bognor Regis Charity Shops:

Cat & Rabbit Rescue

RFR Charity

4Sight

Alexander Theater Charity Shop

To be fair, the only one that really smells of armpits is the RFR, but its by far the most interesting of the bunch.

Ford Car Boot Sale.

It's Saturday morning.
It's 07:40.
I'm dressed and have broken my fast.
Here's pictorial evidence:

Why is this happening to me?

This is happening to me because Linda wants to visit Ford Car Boot Sale in the hope of finding a chest of drawers big enough to fit all the garments she has taken prisoner yet refuses to wear and leaves scattered around the flat.

Ford Car Boot will be familiar to fans of the daytime T.V. delight "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is".  Which purports to be a competition where "Televison's top consumer experts are put to the test as they're pitted against one another and challenged to make a profit - with their own money and their reputations on the line".

Yeah, right...

Essentially, a bunch of dodgy dealers who railroad people into parting with items for a pittance then screw the punters in their contact books till the pips squeak.

I'm a big fan of the show.

Word from a couple of regulars at Ford it is that they hate it when the flim crews turn up as it can have tax implications for these deeply honest legitimate business men trying to eek a meagre living from flogging stuff most charity shops would toss in the bin.

When we get to Ford it's overcast, raining and the restaurant facilities are second to none:

We wander around until Linda locates a suitable chest of drawers.

At this point I would have liked to feature a picture of the cheery fellow accepting 40 of Linda's hard earned pound notes in exchange for the chest of drawers but it might have tax implications for him and his white van so let's move swiftly to the bit where I have to load the bloody enormous piece of oak furniture into the boot of the Golf

At this stage things are not going well.

I thought it might make things easier if I lightened the load by removing the drawers before I lifted the carcass into the boot.

The situation wasn't helped by an idiot spectator pointing out several of the flaws in my plan.

I smiled and suggested that only children and fools criticise a job half done, removed the carcass to the point where I could balance it on the rear of the car and replace the drawers at the same time.

Oh how we laughed.

Anyway, the chest of drawers is at it's new home now (after a fractious journey up the stairs into the flat) and receiving a lovingly applied coat of wax polish before being stuffed to bursting with Linda's surplus clothing:

Which makes me wonder, bearing in mind that most of the clothes will never be worn again, why didn't we just take them to the car boot sale instead?

As Linda is bound to point out, I'm just a man and am therefore incapable of understanding these things.

I notice that sexual stereotyping is a double-edged sword.

eBay Sale: The End.

I trudged to the Post Office with the last of my eBay sales today.
In the rain.
I've come to the conclusion that eBay's far to much like hard work.
It's the packing-up that's the killer.
It takes me hours and hours and I'm rubbish at it.
For this last lot I painstakingly weighed everything, made the postage calculations  as accurately as I could and still lost money on the carriage charges.
Several items didn't sell, some surprised me, some didn't:

• Brass Mask (surprised)
• Lion Brass Plaque (surprised)
• Two Brass Door Pull Handles (unsurprised)
• Brass Nut Crackers In The Shape Of Ladies Legs (very surprised!)
• Brass Sun God Figurine (neither surprised nor unsurprised)
• Working Replica Davy Lamp (surprised)
• Ornamental Oil Lamp (unsurprised)
• Glass an Brass Tea-Light Holder (unsurprised)

I can't decide if I should re-list them or not.
I'll sleep on it.

As I left the Post Office the sun came out and weights lifted off my shoulders.
I've still got a long way to go before I finally get rid of all my surplus possessions but I think I'll try a car-boot sale next.
Typing that last line made me think 'recipe for disaster'.

After the Post Office visit I did my tour of the 'crap' charity shops.

• Alexander Theatre  Charity Shop
• FourSight Charity Shop
• RAFA Charity Shop
• Oxfam Super Saver Charity Shop

In yesterday's post I mentioned that my childhood ambition was to become a secret agent.
In Oxfam I bought an appropriate lunch box for 99p:

It says 'Secret Agent' on it.

Serves Me Right For Trying.

Up early to pack the amps I received payment for and get them off to the Post Office.
A clever person would have done this when the item passed the reserve.
I was wrestling with bubble-warp, sticky tape, warping paper, a cardboard box and an amplifier when I felt that little 'tweak' in the bottom of my spine that's the prelude to a world of pain.
I'd 'popped' my back.

I began to work in a frenzy but only managed to pack the first amp before I could hardly move.
I then discovered, after rummaging through every draw and cupboard in the flat, there wasn't an ibuprofen tablet to be found.

Getting the boxed amp down the stairs from the flat was not fun and took me about an hour.
I it loaded my new 'G.T.'shopping trolly and headed off for the main Post Office in Bognor:

The journey usually takes me about 20 minutes.
Today it took me about an hour and a half.
There was more hilarity when I had to lift the package out of the trolly onto the scales in Post Office.

When Linda got home she went to her medicine box and gave me some of her tablets.
I didn't question her, I just took them.

I'd write more but a huge purple rhinoceros wants me to play a game of connect four.

Trying To Do Something More Interesting.

I'm having a day off eBay.
Well, sort of.
I was alarmed by the toaster I intended listing on eBay when it began smoking and set off the smoke alarm last night.
I waited till Linda went off to work this morning, opened all the windows, plugged it in and had another go.
It smoked a bit more then began to behave itself.
I'd sprayed it with a stainless steel cleaner some time ago, although it's made from aluminium, and I think it was the residue of the spray that caused the smoking.
It did occur to me that the fumes may be toxic but I'm sure I've breathed worse things in my life.
Tomorrow I'll have a go at making toast with it.

That wasn't particularly interesting so I experimented with making a basic slide show with iMovie.

That wasn't interestingly interesting so I prepared a Hooting Yard pod-cast.
Now that was interesting but it won't get published till Thursday.

Then the interesting thing started to happen.
The first lot of my eBay sales can to an end today.
It went quite well.
Tomorrow will be full of interesting trips to the post office.

eBay Campaign Day 7: Electrical

This eBay business is starting to feel like an uphill struggle.

Today I had intended to list the Smiths Selectric Mantle Clock I restored and the Vintage toaster I posted about recently.
I was preparing to make a short video, in my own inimitable style, featuring me making toast with the toaster.
During the 'rehearsal' I plugged the toaster in and switched on.
The pall of smoke the toaster produced set the smoke detector off.
My feeling is that the fluid I used to clean the toaster was the cause of the excessive smoking but I'm going to wait till tomorrow to investigate further and test all the wiring.

I looked at the mantle clock.
Now, I know how to set it in motion but describing how this is achieved to anyone else has defeated my limited powers of description so I decided not to put it up for sale.

This left me with four items to sell:

Vintage/Retro Electric Light Switch:

eBay sale listing

JHS Headset Microphone:

eBay sale listing

Stylophone Electronic Organ:

eBay sale listing

Stylophone Beat Box:

eBay sale listing

I think I'm going to give this lark a rest for a couple of days and do something more interesting instead.

eBay Campaign Day 6: Lamps and Lights

Two of the items in today's lots have been providing the lighting in my shed for the last couple of years.
I'm keeping hold of my hurricane lamp as we do tend to have the odd hurricane or tornado here in Bognor Regis.

Working replica of a Davy Lamp (ex-shed):

eBay sale listing

Ornamental oil lamp (it worked before I lost the wick):

 eBay sale listing

Ornamental Davy Lamp:

eBay sale listing

Green Glass Oil Lamp (ex-shed):

eBay sale listing

Powell & Hamner 'Chieftain' Carbide Cycle Lamp:

eBay sale listing

Glass & Brass Tea-Light Holder:

eBay sale listing

Tomorrow: Electrical

eBay Campaign Day 5: Brass Things

I was tempted to put all my brass bits and bobs into a large box and take them down to the scrap metal merchant.
I've still got a huge amount of the stuff so I still might end up there.

Three (very small) Brass Monkeys:

eBay sale link

Large Brass Syringe:

eBay sale link

Brass Ornamental Lion Plaque:

eBay sale link

Three Fishing Bait Tins:

eBay sale link

Three Brass Scale Weights:

eBay sale link

Two Brass Door Pulls:

eBay sale link

Female Leg Nutcrackers:

eBay sale link

Small Brass Sextant:

eBay sale link

Brass Sun-God (Aztec ?):

eBay sale link

Six Small Brass Lion's Paw Feet:

eBay sale link

Tomorrow: Lamps & Lights.

eBay Campaign Day 4: Heads and Masks

I wasn't sure how to describe one of the items in this collection and went looking for an example of the type.
Word of warning: DO NOT TYPE "female head with pearl neckless" into your browser when the safe search is 'off'.

Bisque Doll Head 'Elizabeth':

Link to auction

Retro Female Head Vase/Dressing Table Ornament (broken):

Link to auction

Brass Mask:

Link to auction

Comedy and Tragedy Wall Masks:

Link to auction

Green Man Wall Mask:

Link to auction

Tomorrow: Brass

eBay Campaign Day 3: Percussion.

5 objects that reward hitting featuring just about everything you need to create a compelling percussive rhythm:

A Wood Block:

eBay listing link

Metal Double Bell Agogo:

eBay listing link

Maracas:

eBay listing link

12 inch Tuneable Double Row Jingle Tambourine:

eBay listing link

Bongo Cajon (with snares):

eBay listing link

Tomorrow Heads.